Showing posts with label el comandante's true hollywood stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label el comandante's true hollywood stories. Show all posts

23 January 2008

must be catholic guilt

A few moments ago, amidst this Southern California storm, I heard the sound of the doorbell. Cairo started barking, ready to pounce on whoever was on the otherside of the door. I opened the door to find two young men in black pants and black puffy coats. They couldn't have been over the age of 17.

"Hi", they said. "We're missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints".

Ah, fuck. Mormons!

"Oh, I'm not interested", I snapped.

"Interested in what?", said the geeky looking white dude on the right looking awfully confused at my initial statement.

"Whatever you're trying to sell", I replied.

Then I abruptly shut the door.

I returned to my task at hand, which was cleaning out some cabinets in my den bookshelf. But I couldn't focus. I was continually reminded of the look on the poor dude's face when I said "I'm not interested". It's as if I shoved a wooden stake into his heart. His smile turned to bewilderment. He was shocked beyond belief.

Here were these two teenage boys, spending a rainy evening going door to door trying to spread their "word". I could have been more polite or at least humored them with a few minutes of empty babbling conversation. But no, I shut the door in their face and sent them next door. Oh, well...

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18 December 2007

everything i need to know i learned from repo man



Heh, reminds me of my introduction to the world of mortgage brokering right out of college. We funded thousands of loans to consumers who have now foreclosed on their homes. That sure was a soul-sucking occupation, not to say Acme Industries is any better.

So, what code do you live by?

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19 November 2007

houseguests from hell

Well, not exactly. Maybe purgatory.



An earlier post alluded to the fact that I had to babysit a 2-year old boy Friday night. Well, the houseguests from Guatemala just departed for LAX so I feel the urge to unload a little.

Yeah, I'm kind of an asshole for publicizing this outburst. But, oh well. It's not the kid's fault - blame lies with his mother. She has a full-time maid who cooks and cleans back home, so she has become used to someone else catering to her every need - not a good thing when you are her host.

She was oblivious and then unapologetic to the fact that he peed on our couch. She calls poor Guatemalans "wetbacks". She went out every night with her ex-boyfriend who lives in L.A. (while her husband stayed at home in Guatemala City). She's a clueless, thoughtless person. Or to quote Alec Baldwin, she is a rude little pig. I kind of feel bad for her kid who is most likely facing a life of drama, heartache and divorce. But it ain't my problem...

Me fui de Guatemala y llegue a Guatepeor.

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just wondering

Why is it that practically every time I am grocery-shopping a fellow shopper mistakes me for a store employee and asks me a question?

I swear, this must be the tenth time this has occurred this year. This evening while scanning the bread aisle at Trader Joe's a confused-looking woman approached me and asked, "Why don't you have any sweet potatoes? You only have yams!"

I waited for about five seconds, giving her a nice blank stare and said frankly,

"I don't work here".

The young girl adjacent to me smirked, realizing the error of the older woman's ways. I then carried on filling my cart with delicious Trader Joe's products.

But seriously people, how many grocery store employees push their own shopping carts filled with store items? Every time I am asked a question I am in possession of a semi-full cart. Sure, I used to be a grocery clerk about ten years ago - but that was ten years ago. Perhaps it's because I look "young". And you know, "young" people do those jobs...

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16 November 2007

whereby i successfully hijack a thread at eschaton

...with Lebowski references.

Give me a break. I'm bored - and stuck at home babysitting a 2-year old.

Don't ask...

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10 November 2007

out of the shadows



The Culture Ghost, following DBK's lead, revealed himself to the world.

So here I am. I got a haircut this afternoon - I'm going through one of my ascetic phases and decided to go very short. Cairo got a much overdue bath. We're both cleaned up and ready to finish out the year in style.

Be my guest and reveal yourself, if you dare. Is this some sort of meme I'm starting? Who knows...

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30 March 2007

how to make a caipirinha

There's no better way to start the weekend than with a caipirinha. I first encountered this sweet and sour drink in Brasil three years ago. I'd put it up there with a Manhattan as my favorite drink. It's quite tasty and easy to make...



Start with one lime, cut in quarters (or eighths if a large lime).



Add 2 tablespoons fine sugar and mash with a wooden pestle.



Now it's time to add your alcohol. Throw in about 2 oz. of cachaça.

Add crushed ice, stir and enjoy!



Oh well, Cairo prefers beer.

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23 January 2007

the adventures of drunky s. pukenstein



As previously mentioned, mi esposa was in San Francisco visiting her best friend this weekend. She is the maid of honor at her best friend's wedding this summer, so they spent the time catching up and doing wedding stuff. Not enticed by the thrill of wedding planning, I stayed behind in the Orange Curtain and spent an otherwise mellow weekend with mi chuca.

On Saturday night they went bar hopping with some friends. One such friend, hereby named Drunky S. Pukenstein, offered up the most excitement for the evening.

First, he snagged mi esposa's camera and snapped several self-portraits.



After several shots of tequila, Goldschläger and some jungle juice punch, he perused the pub snapping pics of fellow revelers. He sat at their tables and inquired about their life stories.



Above is a mother-daughter pair who enjoy pub crawling. The mom (center) had daughter (left) at age 15. Now daughter is 21 and mom still likes to party.

The grand finale of the evening came when Mr. Pukenstein ralphed on the sidewalk outside the bar. Mi esposa was able to catch this fine action shot:



They ate Mexican food before bar hopping. If you look closely you can see the beans, although I doubt you'd want to.

Mr. Pukenstein continued ralphing all night and the following morning at mi esposa's friend's house.

I'll be going up to San Francisco this summer for the wedding and will most likely meet Mr. Pukenstein. My camera will be poised and ready to catch any of Drunky's shenanigans. Stay tuned.

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19 January 2007

just me and la chuca this weekend

Mi esposa headed up north to get a taste of some San Francisco Values*



I have several books to procrastinate from reading, got some exciting footy lined up and will most likely be pressured by Cairo to partake in walks and park outings.

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05 January 2007

tales from central america



Ok. Here's some explanation to go with my video-photo travel blog.

The first day we arrived several of mi esposa's family members came to hang out at our hotel pool. One of mi esposa's tias was giving her a lecture on how to be a good wife. She said that her husband stays faithful because she always "takes care of herself" and "is there to keep her man happy". Her aunt also warned that if my wife was not careful I would be snatched up one of the many women in El Salvador looking to bag themselves a gringo. This tia also said that I look like David Beckham. Trust me, there is no resemblance between yours truly and Mr. Posh Spice. People who know me can attest to this. Well, the tia is a Real Madrid fan, so that explains the Beckham reference. She scowled when I told her I dig Barcelona more than Madrid.

This is typical in Latin America, where many women still buy into the idea that they exist solely to please their men. They pass on this subservient gender ideology to the next generation. My wife kindly smiled at her aunt's suggestions but in her head was thinking "fuck that noise". It's sad how women reinforce their own gender inequality. Some ideologies are hard to shake I guess. For a similar example check out Frederick's post labiaplasty and American consumerism.

. . .

December 24 is one big party in San Salvador. My father-in-law, his girlfriend, my wife and I stopped at three different house parties before settling at our final destination of the night at the home of my father-in-law's best friend. Several of the tias there lured me onto the dancefloor where I did my best to keep up with the salsa and cumbia beats. They served pavo indio (turkey with typical Salvadoran gravy). As midnight approached the sound of fireworks grew throughout the city. We lit some here. On December 25 it's common to go to the beach. We went to a friend's beach house in Costa Azul, very close to the El Salvador-Guatemala border.



El Salvador is a beautiful country that is still emerging from its disastrous 15-year civil war. One of the historically interesting spots we visited was the FMLN civil war museum in Perquin, Morazán (seen above). It is located at a former guerrilla camp and ex-guerrillas lead the tours of the museum and the grounds. There are several U.S.-made 500lb. bomb shells - ones that U.S.-supplied Salvadoran air force dropped on the camp during the 1980s. The guerrillas preserved a larger crater made by one of the bombs.



We also visited what's left of the town of El Mozote. On December 11, 1981, the Atlacatl battalion of the Salvadoran army entered the town, rounded up it's roughly 900 inhabitants and slaughtered them - men, women, children and all. The town is a 20-minute drive from the main road to Perquin. It’s a rocky dirt path that can only be maneuvered with a 4x4. The town church has been rebuilt along with a monument (seen above) to the murdered townspeople. The docent who guided us through the memorial lived in El Mozote, but then by a stroke of fate moved to Perquin two months before the massacre. He remembers seeing and hearing military vehicles on the road to Perquin when the massacre occurred.



The ruins at Tikal, Guatemala were amazing. The pics speak for themselves. I asked our guide about Mel Gibson's Mayan epic Apocalypto and he shook his head in disgust. Yeah, I'm not much of a Gibson fan either.



Supposedly the above view (from atop a 10-story temple) was used in one of the Star Wars films.

And that's all for now.

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04 January 2007

a three-minute recap of my vacation



featuring the groovy sounds of Manu Chao

click here for a Christmas Eve homegrown fireworks show

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22 December 2006

so long and thanks for all the fish

This evening I'll be leaving on a jet plane - taking a red eye to El Salvador where I will be conducting some south of the border offensives in the war on Christmas and the war on war. Actually I'll be spending navidad and año nuevo con la familia de mi esposa - 12 days of beaches, rum and Cuban cigars. If I get a chance to post I will, but don't bet the farm on it.

While I'm gone there are still captions to be offered and Time magazine covers to be tweaked. Do try and keep the place tidy while I'm gone.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!

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19 October 2006

attention deranged shoppers

so i'm in Best Buy standing in line waiting to purchase a dvd when an angry customer storms passed the checkstands. upon exiting the warehouse-sized store he yells "I HATE this store!!!". he then turns to us six or seven folks waiting in line and says "Don't buy ANYTHING from Best Buy! They don't know anything and there's no one here to help you!!!"

it was so silent you could hear a pin drop. the angry dude had put a dent in the happy shopping vibe of the consumerist marketplace.

strangely i love these situations - i like seeing how people react to mild violations of social norms in public places. anyways, i should have taken his advice and left the store - it took about fifteen minutes for two checkstands to check out five people.

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13 September 2006

hoy es mi cumpleaños

so I'm going to Disneyland!

seriously, it is my birthday today - but I ain't going to fascist rat land - I can think of an infinite number of better uses for my money...

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12 September 2006

this is what headphones were made for

a co-worker is describing to another co-worker how her toes are horribly infected and oozing with blood. thankfully I haven't eaten anything yet this morning or else I would have ralphed all over my keyboard. time to crank up the Itunes shuffle...

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27 August 2006

hydrofascism



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22 August 2006

blogging from the end of the world

we´re here in El Calafate, Argentina, whose city motto should be "our telephones don´t work and we hate giving you change". seriously the local shopkeepers hate giving you cambio. other than that the place is great, and very cold. today we visited El Moreno Glacier and it was about 25 F.

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15 August 2006

i'm so bored with the usa

tomorrow we're off to Argentina for about ten days. We arrive in Buenos Aires where I plan on eating a lot of carne and drinking a lot of vino tinto. After a side trip to Uruguay we'll face some 20 degree (Fahrenheit) weather in Patagonia where we plan on seeing real glaciers before they disappear entirely from the face of this planet.

I hope the geniuses working for the TSA don't allow any motherfucking liquids on my motherfucking plane. The crafty folks at McSweeney's have already addressed the situation by saying yeah, air travel does seem a little weird right now. will they force passengers to empty their bladders before boarding?

ok, do your exercises and try to keep the place clean while I'm gone.

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07 August 2006

a good weekend for soccer

and you thought I’d stop posting about soccer when the world cup ended...

The MLS All-Star team beat the English club Chelsea in the all-star game this Saturday. This is a good sign for soccer in the United States, especially after the national team's dismal showing in the 2006 World Cup. The U.S. league knew they had something to prove, and they did by defeating the West London powerhouse.

. . .

some of the top European soccer clubs typically tour the Americas during the off-season summer months. Last year, mi esposa were lucky enough to catch Real Madrid v. Los Angeles Galaxy. We were able to see some of this era's greatest players on the pitch--Zidane, Figo, Beckham, and Owen to name a view from their 2005 roster. Unfortunately Ronaldo didn't play that game due to injury so we didn't get to see the Brazilian striker. Real beat Galaxy 3-0.

Fresh off their victory in the European Champions league, FC Barcelona is touring the Americas this summer. Yesterday, they played CD Guadalajara (better known as Chivas) at the Los Angeles Coliseum. And what has become a summer soccer ritual, mi esposa and I attended the game to catch the action.

We went to see Barcelona, but most of the crowd was there for Chivas, the most popular club in Mexico. The couple sitting next to us drove all the way from Tijuana just to see this game. Chivas prides itself on being 100% Mexican. It is one of the few soccer clubs that do not hire foreign players. (it's quite elitist if you ask me). Practically every Mexican in the greater LA area was at Exposition Park wearing red and white striped Chivas jersies and waving Mexican flags. I got a kick out of yelling "Barca! Barca!" at them.

About half of the players on Chivas played on the Mexican national team in this year's World Cup. Many of the players on Barcelona played in the World Cup for their respective home countries—Ronaldinho (Brazil), Marquez (Mexico), Messi (Argentina) and Puyol (Spain) to name a few. This game had a real international feeling to it.

LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa and Speaker of the California State Assembly Fabian Núñez opened the game with a brief welcome and introduction. They were wearing Chivas jerseys and encouraged the crowd to cheer on the goats (damn Mexicans!). Villaraigosa then went up to sit up in the media box with Kobe Bryant, who apparently is a big fan of Ronaldinho—after all, who couldn’t like Ronaldinho…he is…magic.

Barca haven't played together in over three months since they won the European Championship in May. One could tell they were a bit rusty. Chivas, on the other hand, have been playing non-stop in both the Copa Libertadores and the Mexican National championship. Suffice to say they were a well-oiled machine.

The first half showed no goals and was a bit slow despite some nice fast attacks by Barcelona striker Samuel Eto'o. The second half picked up when Ronaldinho stepped on the pitch to a swath of camera flashes and roars from the crowd—he was clearly the main attraction in this event. Eidur Gudjohnsen scored for Barcelona in the 74th minute with a nice assist from Ronaldinho. Diego Martinez tied it for Chivas in the 83rd minute. The game was tied 1-1.

The LA Times notes the dire condition of the field. The yard line numbers were still visible from the last USC football game that was played. The grass was green and brown patches. These players deserved a much better field if you ask me. Around the 60th minute the sprinklers came on by the Barca goal box which delayed the game for about a minute. The crowd booed vociferously until the Coliseum maintenance staff corrected the major malfunction.

The attendance—a total of 92,650 in the Coliseum--was the largest ever for a soccer game in the United States involving a club team. One large section of Chivas fans lit flares and flew banners creating a giant cloud of smoke which breezed through the open air coliseum. Me wonders how they snuck in the flares. It was a lively atmosphere to say the least.

I had expected a few more goals but hey, just being there in this festive environment watching some of the best players in the world duke it out was more than a fantastic experience.

UPDATE: here are my pictures from the game

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04 August 2006

everybody loves...keanu?

And we are... WYLD STALLYNS!

remember last week I wrote a post about how I spotted Keanu Reeves and a gal pal in Santa Monica while I attended the showing of An Inconvenient Truth? well, I've been getting mad hits from several Keanu fan sites which somehow found my Keanu-sighting story. this site reprinted my entire post. check out the Keanu fans' comments for some humorous examples of celebrity adoration.

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About

I guess you could say this is the "Original Pime". I stopped blogging here regularly in May 2008 (if you don't count the B-Sides diversion - yes it gets confusing) when I joined the Tumblr revolution. Going forward bravely into 2009, this site will serve to house any large image work I produce.

Peace out.
Agi
1/3/2009

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